When I was requested by “Pormoll” team for an article in the next issue I had almost run out of topics having written frequently on our magazine. As a precursor, I thought, this time I would divert writing on religious issues and dwell on something different; something personal.
That night, as Goa was being pounded by heavy downpour and as rains and wind kept bashing on my window panes, I tucked in more inside my blanket to avoid the cold outside. For some reason sleep evaded me and as I kept thinking it suddenly struck me that this month, I would be turning 70. Although not life-altering by any means, it was, to me at least, a significant event. Crossing such a milestone in present era is a blessing. Many wanted to reach there but only few were fortunate.
Countless people reading this will already have passed this threshold and no longer be all that impressed. But those of us who get this far, only reach the day once. Being 70 offers a different perspective on life. We are certainly slower of foot, stiffer of joints and sensitive in stomach. Images appear out of focus and we get snapped at minor things that brush us on the wrong side.
As the rain outside turned to drizzle and the winds slowed a bit, a realization dawned on me that as of recently, I was getting overwhelmed by worries, few realistic but most conceived out of my inflated unnecessary imagination that perhaps may never occur. Things like family issues, friends, missing of the hectic work routine, finances, etc. To add to it I was losing interest in everything that I used to like. Was this GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) or age-related symptoms I could not say. Was I shifting into a pre depression domain was also a subject for investigation. My sub conscious mind perhaps couldn’t take this reel anymore and I slowly fell into slumber only to wake up next morning and to pursue on this subject further.
Call it magical coincidence or a divine intervention, couple of weeks earlier few of my close friends who coincidentally were my classmates in Goa for holidays and couple of us who were already settled in Goa had a reunion. One topic that hit out spontaneously during our discussions was “Where are our old classmates”
Guardian Angel High School in 1970’s was one of the oldest, biggest and best teaching institutions those days in Goa run by Xaverian Educational Society. To go back some 50 years to look for your classmates was like finding a needle in the haystack as I even don’t know if those Registers still exist. We did not have whatsapp group or cyberspace apps to keep us connected then. As I mentioned earlier 4 or five of us were in the reunion group and as a matter of exercise to keep us busy and out of curiosity perhaps, we decided to try and locate those names who we still faintly remember as much as possible. We roughly made a list of a few who were with us in the Boarding and in the classes as well and tried to connect dots to locate them.
Although we barely were able to collect information on all, the outcome of the ones we did was bewildering. There were 12 names in all. We tried day and night throughout, but were barely able to collect information on about 10. The surprising outcome was that without going into numbersor details couple of them were dead, and others that were alive were either widowed, sick or in bed with paralysis, diabetics, heart diseases etc.
Only 1 result that turned out to be surprising was, one classmate became so rich we couldn’t believe it and another who settled in USA and who after two divorces was seeking for a third marriage.
So what was my depression about? Although I had a light brush with some of the above conditions, I was not starving, my mind was perfect, I had a wife, children and grandchildren, I was surrounded by good friends, I was healthy and could afford 3 meals daily and the best part, I could fall asleep immediately in any convenient corner of my house; if just provided with a pillow and a bedsheet !!
My challenges paled in significance to that of others.
Although it was unethical on my part to compare my life with my fellow companions, it also gave me a sense of comfort to know that God had blessed me with a lot of wonderful things and my fears were speculative. Comparison to me I felt was the Thief of Joy. When we compare ourselves to others, we rob ourselves of our own happiness knowing perfectly well that each one is fighting their own battles. Through comparison, we either feel a sense of inferiority or superiority to others who were less fortunate, and either route you take, does not create lasting happiness.
Instead Thank God for things that could have gone wrong but didn’t. I realized that everyone was moving according to his or her destiny, I was neither late nor early.
In conclusion for those and for myself in particular who will be crossing this milestone this year, I think we should be thankful to God for these 70 years as it is not just about counting our blessings but recognizing the inherent value and beauty of life itself. By being thankful to Almighty we will be able to find meaning and purpose in even the most difficult moments and to cultivate a sense of peace and contentment. Let us be thankful to Him for all the good things He had to offer and committed to living with a thankful and ever grateful heart.
Please keep me and those crossing this milestone this year in your prayers.
With my spiritual salutation !
Agnello A. S. Fernandes
Ward 12