On November 14th Children’s Day, we celebrate all children across the board, and loveable they all are. As the poet Wordsworth says Children when they come into this world are
“But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!
Shades of the prison-house begin to close
Upon the growing boy”
The Shades of the prison house are what the child is subjected to in his / her growing years. As parents we need to examine whether we are the shades of the prison house ‘ that ‘ crib, cabin and confine – hinder our kids from growing up to be the men and women they are meant to be. Thomas Harris in his best seller ‘I’m OK. You’re OK’ speaks of 4 life positions viz:
|
I’m not OK |
I’m not OK You’re not OK |
| I’m OK You’re not OK |
I’m OK |
My deliberations will base itself on the 1st quardant, ‘I’m not OK. You’re OK’. In the 1st year of infancy most children are cuddled, petted, given positive strodes. There is a sense of tactile and palpable OK-ness in this position but as he / she grows the reprimands start. The ‘no-no’s’, ‘the dos’, the ‘don’ts’, ‘you naughty boy’, ‘you clumsy girl’, ‘you lazy boy’, ‘you stupid girl’ all add up to that not OK feeling. Besides his / her small size and helplessness make him / her feel inferior to the adults in the environment. At this stage the child builds his total self-estimate on the appraisal of others what Sullivan calls reflected appraisals. The child lacks the equipment and experience necessary to form an accurate picture of himself / herself. He / she is far too helpless to challenge them. He / she passively accepts the judgements which are communicated by touch / strokes, words, gestures and deeds in this period. More often than not the child carries these self-attitudes learned early in life forever unless some extra – ordinary environmental circumstances bring about a modification.
Let me now talk of some real life experiences that corroborate this ‘I’m not OK’ syndrome. As a child I was made much of by my parents – my father in particular. He thought a world of me, would display my report card to his friends, praise me to the skies and project me as someone very gifted. He never realized that in so doing he was inadvertently giving my younger sister a ‘no-good’ feeling. While I was getting the positive stroking, she was without his knowledge being negatively stroked. The sad part is that we have carried these self-images through our adolescent years, right to being septuagenarians now. Though we love and care for each other, she, to this day carries these hurt feelings. And to my utter chagrin, I must confess that till today I treat her with condescension. You might ask ‘Knowing that you are guilty of the damage you and your father caused, why don’t you change?’ I have apologized to her a few times, asked her pardon and despite conscious efforts to undo the hurts caused, when I speak to her, I recognize the strains of my ‘big brotherly’ attitude. How true it is — those scripts that are written in the impressionable years of one’s childhood are very difficult to erase.
As a teacher I have always had a penchant for my girl students. Sensing this, many of them used to confide in me. Some of their sharings I still remember. There was this girl charming by all standards who came across as diffident and withdrawn. I always wondered why, until in one of our out-of-the classroom conversations, with eyes full she said “You know madam, you often ask me why I don’t take part in extra – curricular activities. It is because I feel I am dark and ugly”. Taken aback I asked ‘what makes you think so’? With eyes cast down she replied, “From my childhood my mother used to say “Your younger sister is fair and beautiful. It will be easy to find a bridegroom for her. As for you, we’ll have a real problem”. Oh my God that came as a shock to me. Not sometimes but often we parents can be the undoing of our children. We leave indelible imprints on their impressionable minds that will require immense amount of skill and effort to erase.
A few days ago I was listening to an on-line inner healing retreat by Fr. Michale Paryapilly. His emphasis was on the scars that we carry from the wounds inflicted on us as early as in the mother’s womb. He so explicitly called to mind the Esau, Jacob sibling rivalry that got exacerbated by their parents Isac and Rebekkah.
Parenting is the most important vocation in life and sadly there’s no schooling, no training required. Home is a feeling. Home is where our Emotional Quotient (EQ) mainly comes from. Home is where our Emotional Bank Accounts are either enriched or impoverished. No wonder the poet said, ‘ “The child is the father of the man”.
Joan Rebello